Wrong Magnetism: Why Do We Fall in Love with the Wrong Person?

Written by Vahid Zekavati

Introduction:

Why Do I Always Let the Wrong People into My Life?

Why do we keep falling for those destined to hurt us? Why are we drawn to people who are cold, unfaithful, or incapable of loving us? Is it because we make poor choices—or because our deepest, unhealed wounds silently lead the way?

This book is not a guidebook—it is a wake-up call. A journey into the mind, toward the hidden layers that shape our romantic choices. From recurring relationship patterns to unconscious attraction, from limiting beliefs to childhood scars, this book leads you to one powerful truth: before love, you must meet yourself.

If you’ve ever wondered why your relationships feel exhausting, painful, or unequal, this book is for you. Each chapter combines inner psychology, NLP, intuition, and raw human reality to uncover the silent forces steering our love lives. This book does not blame you—it awakens you.

Chapter One: Attraction That Comes from a Wound

I ask myself: why do the same types of people—with the same unhealthy patterns—keep entering my life? No matter how aware I try to be, I still fall for someone who shows all the red flags. Am I irrational? Or is something deeper pulling me in?

We don’t choose only with our eyes and ears. Inside us is a compass—not made of logic, but of memory. A memory shaped in childhood, where love meant fear, attention meant danger, and closeness came with threat. That memory decides who feels “right.”

What we call love at first sight is sometimes just the unlocking of an old emotional pattern. Something in that person touches a familiar wound. We think we’ve met them before—but really, it’s our wound that recognizes them, not our heart.

A child raised in an emotionally unsafe home becomes conditioned to a certain kind of relationship. If affection came only when you were quiet, good, or obedient, you’ll later be drawn to people who offer conditional love.

The same patterns reappear in new faces. As if life says: “Fix it this time.” But instead of healing, we often get lost in the excitement of connection and forget where we are or why we started.

Therapists say: what you lacked in childhood, you try to rebuild in adulthood. A kind father who was never there. A loving mother who didn’t exist. Every relationship becomes a mission to rewrite your past.

But when you choose from a wound, you can’t find healing. The most attractive people to you are often those who resemble those who once hurt you—not because you love pain, but because your brain finds it familiar.

Psychological attraction isn’t logical. It has nothing to do with beauty, intelligence, or morals. It has everything to do with the pain you’ve memorized. Someone who ignores you or acts cold might feel “special” simply because they resemble your past.

We call it love—but often it’s just addiction. Addiction to fixing, proving, or finally being seen. The people who don’t love us often take the most energy from us, because we see hope in them for healing what still hurts.

Attachment styles are the hidden maps of our relationships. If we have insecure attachment—anxious or avoidant—our behavior is shaped not by will, but by fear: fear of abandonment or fear of closeness.

The most attractive people to us are often those who mirror our oldest wounds. In our subconscious, they represent redemption. But this is an illusion: a wound cannot heal by being repeated.

Everything changes when we accept that we’re not to blame for what attracts us—but we are responsible for what we continue. Falling for the wrong people isn’t your fault—but letting them stay is your choice.

Ask yourself: what traits do you find attractive? Why do you crave someone who is distant more than someone who is present and loving? Why do we run from peace and chase chaotic highs?

Wounds shape our attractions. When we don’t know our wounds, we fall victim to dangerous desires. But when we see and name the wound—when we feel it and accept it—our sense of attraction begins to shift.

Nothing reshapes relationships like self-awareness. We can’t change the world, but we can understand what pulls us off course. And that understanding is the start of freedom—from patterns that no longer serve us.

Ask yourself: who first ignored you? Who made you feel unworthy? These voices still echo in your mind, and if you don’t confront them, they’ll keep guiding your choices.

We’re not drawn to what we need—we’re drawn to what we know. And familiarity doesn’t always mean something is right. Sometimes, the only reason we feel pulled to someone is because they remind us of a past pain.

No relationship begins outside of us. Everything starts within. When your inner world heals, the outer world loses its power to hurt you. Then, even the wrong people won’t seem attractive anymore.

And that’s freedom. For the first time, you enter love with open eyes, a calm heart, and a conscious mind. Not to fill a void. Not to fix someone. But to build something real—with someone who sees and accepts you exactly as you are.

Chapter 2

We think we fall in love because someone is “good,” but we actually fall in love because they resonate with an old wound. Our brain is strangely loyal to the pain it recognizes. This loyalty draws us toward people who unconsciously repeat our past patterns—even if those patterns hurt.

Psychologists call this “repetition compulsion”: the unconscious need to recreate old traumas in hopes of a different ending. But most of the time, we end up with the same heartbreak. We make choices that take us back to familiar pain.

Our brain acts like a radar. It detects unconscious signals in smells, voices, gestures, and expressions, and whispers, “This feels familiar.” And we mistake that familiarity for love. But often, it’s just a replay of an old, unhealed scene.

If you had a distant father, you might be drawn to emotionally unavailable men. If you had a controlling mother, you may find yourself choosing women who make you feel powerless again. These patterns are not conscious. They live in our body and memory.

We’re attracted to those whose nervous system matches ours—even if that frequency is rooted in anxiety or insecurity. The brain seeks familiarity, not health. That’s the hidden trap behind many wrong relationships.

Sometimes we’re drawn to someone simply because they don’t trigger our internal alarm. But that’s only because we’ve learned to label abuse or neglect as “normal.” So coldness or even mistreatment becomes a twisted symbol of love.

We need to retrain our internal attraction system. Learn to tell the difference between what’s familiar and what’s healthy. Just because something feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s good for you. And what’s good might feel strange at first.

The most dangerous people for us are often those we feel an instant connection with. That connection is usually a wound being reactivated, not genuine compatibility. We must examine what pulls us in and why.

Attraction is not always a sign of truth. Many destructive relationships begin with intense passion. But extreme passion can signal the activation of defense mechanisms and old trauma—not real intimacy.

When we feel drawn to someone, we should ask: “Is this feeling coming from a healthy place in me—or is it triggering an old wound?” That one question could change the course of a relationship—or save us from another tragedy.

In NLP, we believe we can change our subconscious filters. If we understand what attracts us and why, we can reprogram our mind to seek healthier, warmer, safer connections.

This journey starts with awareness—awareness of our mental patterns, our bodily memories, our wounds breathing in today’s relationships. We must observe ourselves kindly, not judge. Because change begins with understanding, not blame.

Our brains get conditioned with every repeated experience. If we’ve been in several wrong relationships, those patterns become our defaults. But the brain is plastic—and we can rewrite those scripts.

Every time you pull yourself out of an unhealthy attraction, you’re retraining your mind and body. That’s growth. That’s ending the cycle that once imprisoned you. And it’s the beginning of a new kind of love: conscious, calm, and safe.

To do this, you must be brave enough to look at the roots—not to blame others, but to understand yourself. To know why you were drawn, why you stayed, and why you now choose not to repeat those pains.

If attraction comes only from the unconscious, it can mislead. But if paired with awareness, it can guide us toward love that heals, not harms. Love that doesn’t reopen wounds or awaken darkness.

You deserve to be drawn to someone who brings peace, not panic. Who listens, not belittles. Who wants to grow with you, not repeat your past. But you must first release your loyalty to the familiar pain.

Redefine what excites you. Ask who brings you joy—not just adrenaline. Ask which kind of love completes you—not which kind of wound excites you. That shift will change your life.

Chapter Three: The Mind That Sees Pain as Beauty

Some of us fall in love with those who bring pain, not peace. That may sound harsh, but it’s true. Wounded minds are strangely drawn to familiar wounds.

If your childhood was filled with neglect, instability, anger, or lack of affection, your brain confuses love with danger. This unconscious programming continues into adulthood—so you’re drawn to people who ignore you, and it feels familiar.

We don’t seek love, we seek what feels familiar—even if it hurts. Repeating painful patterns gives the brain a sense of control. The mind would rather endure a known pain than risk an unknown joy.

That’s why healthy people can feel boring to us. Our minds have been conditioned to crave emotional ups and downs. Excitement is often just a mask for anxiety.

You cannot change patterns unless you understand their roots. When you discover why you’re drawn to unstable or hurtful people, you can begin to choose differently. Awareness is the first step.

NLP teaches us that the mind makes decisions based on images and feelings, not logic. So even if you know someone is wrong for you, you’re still drawn to them—because your mind holds a familiar image. That image must be rewritten.

If you only received love as a child when you behaved perfectly, today you’ll seek someone who makes you fight for affection. That’s an old conditioned image—not today’s truth. But if it’s not cleared, it stays active.

These conditioned images are like corrupted files running in the background of your mind. You’re not making choices—they are. That’s why you keep choosing toxic relationships—not out of stupidity, but programming.

Healing doesn’t come from judging yourself—it comes from seeing yourself with compassion. You’re still that wounded child seeking safety and approval. If you don’t show empathy to that child, he or she will keep making your choices.

A person with a wounded inner child, no matter how mature they seem, still makes decisions from that place. Your words may sound logical, but your heart still craves someone who activates your familiar pain. It calls that “love.”

You must learn to separate love from pain. Excitement is not always love—it can be anxiety. Your mind must redefine love as calm, safety, being seen—not chaos, uncertainty, and waiting.

NLP techniques can help you shift these old mental images. For example, imagine the person who hurt you, then change their voice to something silly, shrink their face. Simple, but powerful—this weakens the emotional charge.

You have the right to make mistakes—but the duty to learn from them. That’s emotional maturity. A mature person doesn’t avoid mistakes—they stop repeating them.

Many say, “But I loved him!” In truth, you loved the parts of yourself that felt missing. He was just a mirror showing your wound. You must come back to yourself—not to him.

If you want to attract different people, become a different version of yourself. People reflect our unconscious minds. You attract those who match your inner world—even if your outer self wants otherwise.

Instead of asking, “Why was he like that?” ask, “Why did I choose him?” That shifts you out of victim mode. Others don’t cause our pain—our choices do. And choices can be rebuilt.

Your mind must learn that love is calm—not dangerous. A relationship that keeps you anxious is not love—it’s addiction to fear. The mind must be rewritten, not just the relationship.

Listen to your inner child. They’re still searching for someone to say, “You are enough—without proving it, without fighting.” If you don’t say it, they’ll keep looking for someone to prove the opposite.

Being alone is better than being in a relationship your wounded mind calls “love.” If you master being alone, your mind releases its addiction to approval. Then true love can find you—not its painful copy.

We are all wounded, but we get to choose: repeat the wound or heal it. Through awareness, practice, and acceptance. The path exists—you just have to leave behind what is familiar but toxic.

Chapter Four: Rewriting Mental Programs: How Your Brain Leads You Toward Pain

When your brain is wired with old patterns, love at first sight is not a sign of soul connection but a sign of repetition. You might meet someone and feel an intense familiarity, but this recognition often comes from the wounded templates engraved in you. Your brain doesn’t seek joy—it seeks what feels familiar.

You unconsciously choose someone from thousands who reopens an old wound. It’s not bad luck or unworthiness—it’s a nervous system trained to confuse pain with love. Your mind operates like software programmed in childhood, and unless you rewrite that code, it will keep generating the same results.

Imagine your mind is a radio that picks up only one frequency. Even if healthier frequencies surround you, you won’t hear them unless you adjust the receiver. So, you keep being drawn to people who resonate with your wounds—not your hopes.

To change this, you need deep rewriting. It starts with awareness. Becoming aware of what pattern keeps repeating. What beliefs about love, worthiness, or abandonment have rooted in you? Once you find them, you can ask: “Do I still need this belief?”

Rewriting means entering the backstage of your mind—the unconscious, where real decisions are made. Tools like NLP, hypnotherapy, guided imagery, and deep journaling help uncover and replace old programs with new ones.

For example, if you learned as a child that love means earning someone’s attention, you may now be drawn to people who ignore you—because your brain says, “If you try harder, they’ll love you.” But this is just a replay of an old film. Once you recognize it, you can stop letting it direct your life.

There’s a pivotal moment in rewriting: when you realize you’re no longer that child. You now have the power to choose. You can say “no.” You can walk away from what harms you. This is the moment your character is reborn, and your path changes.

A powerful technique is to rewrite your past narratives. Write what you felt in those moments, who wasn’t there, what you wished you’d received, and now—if you could be there for yourself—what would you do? This journaling rewires the brain.

Every time you respond differently instead of reacting habitually, your brain creates a new neural path. These paths start weak, but with repetition and awareness, they grow strong and replace the old ones. Eventually, you become someone who no longer needs pain to feel alive.

Healed people redefine attraction. They no longer crave someone who plays games or destabilizes them. They are drawn to honesty, support, and consistency. This shift is only possible through mental rewiring.

It may seem simple, but rewriting is daily work. Each day, stay aware, review your choices, and ask: “Is this decision coming from my healed self or from my old wounds?” That question alone can take you from repetition to liberation.

You can’t change your past, but you can rewrite its meaning. When you do, its impact on you changes. When you turn pain into wisdom, you’re no longer a victim—you’re awakened. And that awakening shifts your entire love story.

Your brain can learn again. Just as it learned the wounds, it can learn safe love too. All it takes is awareness, intention, and the courage to tell a different story each time you’re tempted to fall back. This time, you write the ending.

Chapter 5:

We must accept that our mind carries an old map, one that constantly pulls us toward painful patterns. When we ask, “Why did I fall for someone who ignored me again?”, the answer often lies in hidden codes of the subconscious. The mind is drawn to what is familiar, even if that familiarity brings suffering.

At this stage, merely analyzing the past is not enough. Now is the time to build. Rebuilding the mental system of attraction means rewriting subconscious rules about love, attention, respect, and safety. Using NLP techniques, we can change the brain’s language—programming it to attract respect and presence rather than disrespect.

A key exercise in this chapter is discovering “new attractions.” We must list traits that give us true feelings of worth and safety, not just temporary thrill. Then we train ourselves to become sensitive to them so that toxic attractions fade in appeal.

The false belief that “I must be perfect to be loved” must be replaced with “I am already worthy of healthy love.” In this chapter, we learn to shift mental patterns using visualization, affirmations, and neuro-linguistic programming. Our brain learns that love should not come with fear and instability.

We also examine the role of habits. Many of us, unknowingly, become psychologically addicted to pain by repeating wrong relationships. This chapter introduces an exercise to break those cycles—to build something new instead of repeating the old.

Rewiring the mental system takes time—but it is possible. If your brain keeps telling you, “People who treat me well are boring,” it’s time to create a new voice inside that says, “Peace is the real excitement.” This mental shift creates miracles within.

We teach the brain that love means empathy, presence, and commitment—not games of hot and cold or emotional chaos. Painful memories become burned-out experiences, no longer guiding our choices, but serving as warning signals.

Future visualization plays a crucial role. You must see yourself in a relationship where you’re seen, accepted, and given space. Positive imagery helps the brain seek and recognize new paths to joy and safety.

Many people report that after doing these exercises, their type of attraction changes. They no longer feel thrilled by neglect, but instead feel drawn to real presence and honesty. That’s what rebuilding is—changing the psychological flavor of attraction.

Inner acceptance is the foundation of healthy outer connections. As long as we feel unworthy inside, we’ll attract those who reflect that same message. This chapter offers practices for self-acceptance and healing past wounds to break the cycle.

On this journey, not only do our romantic relationships shift, but also the kind of friendships we choose. The rewired mind doesn’t just fall in love—it consciously chooses. Rather than being pulled, it invites.

Toward the end of this chapter, the focus moves from finding the “right person” to becoming the “right presence.” When you’re centered and aware, you no longer chase healthy love—healthy love finds you.

Self-worth practices, daily meditations, and new linguistic techniques in this chapter help you gradually rewrite your mental patterns. This chapter is a reconstruction workshop—where you become the architect of your own mind.

The conclusion of this chapter in one sentence: If you don’t want to attract the wrong people, first build a new mind that chooses differently. Change begins within, and manifests outward. This time, a new story will be written.

This chapter is not an end—it’s the beginning of a new path. A path where, with peace, clarity, and awareness, you welcome people who truly deserve your presence. Your brain, if trained, creates new roads—and that is freedom.

In the end, you won’t need to ask yourself, “Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?”—because you won’t be choosing, you’ll be inviting. And that invitation comes from a love that first started within you.

Final Conclusion and Book Recap

At the end of this inner journey, let us pause in silence and reflect on the path we’ve walked. We began with painful repetitions—those haunting questions of why we keep falling for people who end up hurting us. And slowly, we discovered that it is not our eyes that choose, but our wounded subconscious.

By exploring hidden mental patterns, we learned that many of our choices are pre-scripted. Our inner child still searches for a savior in familiar faces—faces that might resemble the ones who once abandoned or broke us. In our longing for redemption, we step into repetition.

In Chapter Two, we realized that attraction is not always a good sign. Sometimes it’s a pull toward familiar pain. Our mental attraction system may draw us to those who unconsciously revive old emotional wounds. This realization, though bitter, was crucial.

Chapter Three took us deep into the mind, where the abandoned child still waits. By revisiting early memories, practicing NLP mapping, and engaging in relational rewiring, we began rewriting our narrative—not to deny the past, but to rescue the future.

In Chapter Four, we entered the room of unconscious choices. We examined how guilt, low self-worth, or fear of loneliness push us toward people who offer anxiety rather than love. But we also learned to say “no”—even when our hearts tremble.

And in Chapter Five, we gave voice to our silenced selves. A voice that finally declares: “I deserve to be loved without needing to suffer.” Through mental imagery, healing self-talk, and mindfulness practices, we carved a new path of choosing consciously.

This book was more than chapters—it was an invitation to self-revision. To love oneself instead of replaying harmful relationships. And now, at this conclusion, perhaps a better question arises: “How can I invite the right people into my life?”

You now know that attraction is not accidental. You’ve learned that love demands awareness. From this moment on, you have the power to build a relationship that is safe, nurturing, and truly loving. This is not poetic fluff—it’s psychological, emotional truth.

If your heart is still wounded, remember: this is not the end. It’s the beginning of coming back to yourself. A self that can love and set boundaries. Forgive and still choose wisely. You are walking a path where every step deserves honor.

To those who ask why they always choose wrong, the answer isn’t simple—but the path is clear: awareness, healing, choice. Carry these three, and no wounded figure will ever take the place of a true lover again.

You deserve a love that calms you, not disturbs you. A person who truly sees you, not merely uses you. And now, equipped with this insight, it’s time to fear not love—but repetition. Because repetition is the enemy of love.

In the silence of this book’s end, I place a hand on your shoulder and say: “You can.” For anyone who understands the wound, will soon understand the cure. And you, now, are no longer who you once were.